WWF
I have played more WWF video games than I have seen episodes of WWF on TV… and that’s still not a lot. This week South Park took on the (always easy) target of pro wrestling, and the day after Always Sunny did the same (though much, much better.) So tonight at this ridiculous hour I try to turn on a recording of King of the Hill before I go sleep. Instead I get a half hour of some new WWE, The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels. Hey, I know these names from the videogames…and from 10 years ago when school kids would talk about it! Hell, I once went to a WWF show in Seattle…it was box seats so I couldn’t see shit…. but it was free, so neat!
When I started this recording the Undertaker was in bad, bad shape. Actually…Shawn Michaels was too. They were both laying on the outside of the ring with the ref counting them down to disqualification. Shawn Michaels summons the strength to crawl back into the ring at about the 4 count. The crowd goes crazy as the Undertaker, dazed out of his mind, lays outside the ring like a fucking tadpole. Finally when the ref reaches “8!” the Undertaker slowly squirms to the stage, tripping as much as possible. He BARELY rolls into the ring before the disqualifying 10 count! Incredible.
THE FIGHT IS ON! I mean… let’s give these guys some 3 minutes before we expect anything else, they’ve been through so much! They both crawl to their feet like babies for way too long. Here it is, they charge at each other at last! The Undertaker grabs Michaels’ throat and throws him to the mat, assuring victory once and for all! BUT NO, he kicks out at the last possible millisecond! Undertaker is not pleased. Undertaker goes to finish him off once and for all but NO! MOTHERFUCKING REVERSAL! Undertaker is now a lifeless fish, victory surely belongs to Michaels now. Michaels pins Undee’s leg for a sure victory when the completely unexpected happens.. 1…2…KICKOUT…FUCK!
Undertaker has the rage in his eye now, at this point he is no longer man, he is the demon spawn of wrestling. Demon spawns like Undertaker have no need for fancy undertaking outfits so he rips his own uniform apart into a more manlier nipple emblazoned man outfit with muscles for men. Shawn Michaels doesn’t like this at all. It pisses him off actually. You can tell by his face.
Finally their brittle and jello-like bodies stand once more, fueled now only by their enraged emotions. Undertaker charges at Michaels, Michaels with the swiftness throws a boot in his face! Down but not out, Undertaker and Michaels both spend minutes returning to their feet. Undertaker looks away to regain himself. Michaels sees this oppurtunity and climps up the corner poll. With this last exhaustive move he will have won the match. He will fly through the air and defeat Undertaker once and for all! The announcers can’t believe it, they speak of the annals of history being changed on this date!
Michaels flies through the air. Soaring with a backflip towards the Undertakers face…… the impossible happened. Undertaker used Michaels attack against him, FUCKING REVERSAL, Undee grabs him in mid air legs up and pile drives his face into the fucking mat. Undertaker throws a quick arm over Shawn and the match is over. The legendary match finally comes to an end.
Both laying motionless on the mat, the Undertaker (being the enigma that he is) displays his victory joy only with a blank stare. The crowd responds in a hushed appreciation.
24 minutes into the half hour….
RETURN TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING
Gov. Ann Richards mutually ends her relationship with Bill because of his overwhelming attachment to his ex-wife.
